• The life of a Pro-Life Activist. •

Okay God,
I give up. I really do. Is that what You wanted to hear?

It seems like nothing I do is right. I can't even worship right anymore. I spend time on my knees and laying in the floor crying out to You, and You don't show.

You know, I know that we go through things for a reason and I know that something great is going to come out of this, but what about now? You can't just leave me, can You? Why does it feel like You have? Why do I just want to sit in my bedroom and cry all of the time?

I know that I'm supposed to stand in strength, and that I'm supposed to walk by faith even when I cannot see, but guess what? I feel like I'm going weary. I need soothing. God, You know my heart. You've searched it many times. This feeling seems like I have a heart, but then I don't.

Do You know how bad I just want to scream at the top of my voice at You? Not physically at You, but where You can hear me. Do You even hear me? It seems like You don't. The only thing stopping me is that I'm scared that You will confront me as You did Job. God, please do not hide Your face from me. Don't conceal yourself. Make yourself known to me.

I'm doing as Your word says; "'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" -Jeremiah 33:3

Here I sit crying out to You for help. Free me from this burden, dear Lord, remove it from me. Their eyes are watching my every move, how can I help them when I feel like I can't help myself? That would be because I don't help myself; You do. You're the cool breeze that I feel; the wind that blows my hair; the ground that I walk on. You're the touch that I feel on my shoulder when I need reassurance; You caress my hair and let me know that everything is going to be okay. You hold me in Your arms and tell me everything is going to be okay; that this is only temporary. And as much as You do all of this, I still feel like You're so far away.

Look at my heart O' God, it's not far from Your grasp; You hold it in the palm of your hand. Search it. Read it. You've already done this many times and have removed things that didn't need to be there. See the tears of Your servant. Free me from my contempt. Free me from these tears of doubt, disbelief, self-hatred, loneliness, and every other feeling that isn't of You. God, You know where I long to be.

I waited for You yesterday, but You didn't show and I needed You. I've tried everything that I know. I worship. I praise. I dance. I sing. I cry. I read Your word night and day, and still I feel like nothing I do is enough; nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. I need You more than life. I need You more than air. Though breath makes one live, You make me live even after my body goes into the ground. As much as I would sometimes like to give it all up and cash it in, how could I forsake You? You are part of me. I am part of You. How can one forsake part of themself?

Father, teach my restless feet to walk beside You in the steps that You have ordained for me to. The path I walk seems to cold and far from yours, where am I? Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? Have I stumbled upon sinking sand? I feel like I failed, and I'm ready to be shown how.

I want to be as close to You as I possibly can. You're everything to me. You're more than a story; more than words on a page of history. It just feels like the closer I long to be with You, the farther You seem to run. Stay, God, stay, and hold me in Your arms. Wipe my tears away. Mend my broken'ness. Help me. Teach me. Save me. Love me.

I've given up; given up slowly. I seemed to have blended in so well with my surroundings that You can't find me. I've realized to live You must give Your life away. I've given everything to You. I've set everything in Your hands. I've been housing all of this doubt and insecurity. I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key. I've been dying to get out and this might be the death of me, and even though there's no way of knowing where to go I promise I'm going. Going to wherever You have set for me to go. Going up the path to seek Your face. Going through the valley of the shadow of death.

Though I may walk through the shadows for the time being, the light You've placed inside of me shines through and brings a narrow walkway through where I may walk and all around me. Help me to keep my head held high in times of trouble. Let me be a perfect example of all You can do with a life. Renew my strength. Help me to stand firm in times of trouble.

I battle with beauty. I battle with my fleshly appearance, and I know that You look at the heart, but I want to be beautiful in the fleshly eye. I want to be as beautiful on the outside as my heart is. Help me to see that in myself. Help me to remove everything that I feel is wrong. Help me to love myself. Remove this spirit of doubt, disbelief, and self-hatred. Replace it with unconditional love, faith, hope, and the power of overcome.

I know that I am blessed and that the things that I go through aren't for myself, but for others. For all the worst and all the best I am blessed.

Father, in the name of Jesus I ask that You reveal Yourself to me; reveal Your works; reveal what I'm supposed to do; reveal the paths that You've set for me. Reveal all. I thank you God for what I'm going through. I thank you for Your unfailing love. I thank you for Your endless blessings. I thank you for the power to overcome. I thank you for the beauty that You've placed over my life. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for letting me fall in love with You. I thank you God.

Halleluiah to the King of Kings.
Maybe you have all blessings, glory, honor, and power forever.

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"I am not going to apologize for speaking of the name of Jesus. If my friends have to become my enemies for me to be with my best friend, Jesus, then that's fine with me." - Rachel Joy Scott

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Diary rings - 09.13.2005
Cast - 09.13.2005